If Only I were Alley McBeal... Or Neo from The Matrix

Do you remember that show Alley McBeal? You know, the one about the lawyers who are borderline personality disorder and constantly have visions of what they "like" to do in a situation as opposed to what they actually do? Yeah, that one. With the dancing baby. Exactly.

Well, I live moments like that on a regular basis. Not dancing baby moments (I do NOT day dream about dancing diapers, believe you me), but moments where you'd like to say or do something but end up doing or saying the "socially acceptable" thing instead. I'm telling you, I drop-kick people with my mind ALL of the time.

More so since I've started working at this new job. I'm not going to write too much about the place itself because I've heard stories about people getting fired over saying shit about their employer online. But I'm not here to bitch. Not really. And I especially don't want to lose my job because, regardless of the situations I experience (like the one I'm about to share with you), I actually like my job... a lot... please don't fire me, Employer!

Okay, so one thing I have to deal with on a regular basis are men with an "old school" mentality. The mentality that asserts that men are smarter, stronger, and generally better than women. Now, I'm no feminist but, shit, even I get offended by this type of attitude. The best thing is when an "old timer" male insults your intelligence. I love this.

Living in Montreal, I speak French on a regular basis. Now, I'll admit that my grasp of the French language isn't at all solid. I have, what I like to call a functional French. I can hold a conversation but I make mistakes, particularly concerning the feminine and masculine. I also tend to speak Quebecois French, which pronounces an "a" like "ah", so "la maison" (the house) becomes "lah maison". The French from France do not like this and correct me all of the time, which is fine, and really not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to share an example of the "old timer" mentality. The man who thinks he’s better than me. The following conversation occurred between myself and a client, an Anglophone man in his 70s who thinks he ought to teach me a thing or two in French:

Me: How was your lunch, Mr. B?

Mr. B: It was good, thank you.

Me: Excellent! Well, have a great afternoon!

Mr. B: (in the most condescending tone) À demain... that's French for 'see you tomorrow'

Me: WTF?!? Do you really think I don't understand French!?!?! You goddamn weasel!

And then I proceed to jump up onto my desk Matrix-style and drop-kick the bastard.

Obviously that last part didn't actually happen because first, I'd get fired, and second, I don't actually know how to jump up on to my desk Matrix-style. This is what really happened...

Mr. B: (in the most condescending tone) À demain... that's French for 'see you tomorrow'

Me: (with an innocent tone) Of course it does, Mr. B! (I added a little retarded giggle to make him feel like he'd taught me something). See you tomorrow!

I was seriously pissed by his remark. I mean, dude totally heard me speak French before, who the eff does he think he is!?!? I needed to have my revenge. Yes, I'm vindictive like that and I tend to hold grudges for stupid things like this. Not for the big stuff, like having to break up with someone because they won't stop randomly showing up at my house, but the little things for sure. HUGE grudge holder right here.

So the next day, when he showed up to eat lunch and drink too much wine, I greeted him as follows:

Me: Bonjour, Monsieur B!

Mr. B: Bon matin.

It should have stopped here, but it didn't...

Me: Comment allez-vous?

Mr. B: Uhh... bon matin.

Me: C'est une très belle journée, non?

Mr. B: (becoming frustrated and impatient) Uhh... bon matin.

Me: (following him with my eyes as he tried to escape upstairs, huge smile on my face) Bon appetit!

He never tried to teach me how to speak French again.

Little Girl: 1, Big Man: 0