Dear Neighbour,
When you asked to park your boat in my driveway for the winter in exchange for shovelling the driveway I was under the impression that you meant that you would shovel my driveway. So far we have had three snowfalls and you have shovelled once, and your work left something to be desired. Shovelling a driveway means taking the snow and moving it off of the driveway, not piling it up in an unorganized fashion, clearing a path to your parked boat, and leaving streaks of snow all over the place.
Also, if you haven't noticed during past winters, we like our driveway clean, like down to the pavement, so people can walk up and down without fear of spraining their ankle or worse. Your work is less than satisfactory and if it continues you will find your boat and its ugly tempo-shelter in the park...
Get it together.
Sincerely,
The person who just spent half an hour fixing your terrible work
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
A Lesson in Procrastination
Context: My boyfriend's son is in his first year/first semester of CEGEP. The term is ending and lots of assignments are due...
Me: What are you working on?
Damien: It's the final term project.
Me: What's it about?
Damien: Argh... I have to got online and research these political scenarios and fill in the blanks.
Me: (looking at his laptop) Wow! That's a lot of scenarios to complete!
Damien: Yeah, and I have two exams tomorrow too.
Me: (concerned) Really!?! When did they give you this assignment?
Damien: Um... well... like a month ago...
Me: (giving side-eye) Okay... so you left it until the last minute?
Damien: Uh... yes. (bows his head in shame, as he should!)
Me: Okay, I'm going to give you a life lesson Damien. It's about Procrastinating. There are two types of procrastinators, the successful procrastinator and the unsuccessful procrastinator. The successful procrastinator leaves things until the last minute but schedules their time properly in order to get everything done on time and have those things well done. The unsuccessful procrastinator waits until the last minute and gets nothing done on time or in an acceptable manner...
Damien: Okay... (he knows what's coming next)
Me: So, which one are you?
Damien: Uh... the unsuccessful procrastinator?
Me: Exactly. Smarten up.
Good Parenting 101!
Me: What are you working on?
Damien: It's the final term project.
Me: What's it about?
Damien: Argh... I have to got online and research these political scenarios and fill in the blanks.
Me: (looking at his laptop) Wow! That's a lot of scenarios to complete!
Damien: Yeah, and I have two exams tomorrow too.
Me: (concerned) Really!?! When did they give you this assignment?
Damien: Um... well... like a month ago...
Me: (giving side-eye) Okay... so you left it until the last minute?
Damien: Uh... yes. (bows his head in shame, as he should!)
Me: Okay, I'm going to give you a life lesson Damien. It's about Procrastinating. There are two types of procrastinators, the successful procrastinator and the unsuccessful procrastinator. The successful procrastinator leaves things until the last minute but schedules their time properly in order to get everything done on time and have those things well done. The unsuccessful procrastinator waits until the last minute and gets nothing done on time or in an acceptable manner...
Damien: Okay... (he knows what's coming next)
Me: So, which one are you?
Damien: Uh... the unsuccessful procrastinator?
Me: Exactly. Smarten up.
Good Parenting 101!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Dropping the O-bomb
Conversation with Dave earlier tonight:
Dave: I think I'll run 10 km tomorrow
Me: Isn't that like 10 times around the park?
Dave: More like five, but whatever. Maybe I'll start with 2.5 and see what happens.
Me: OK, but don't forget that we tee-off at 12:12 and I don't want to leave only at 12:00 'cause you're running.
Dave: Ben non! Of course not!
Me: Yeah but we're often late because of you!
Dave: WHAT!?!?!? Did you just say "often"!?!?!? (like it's a lie or something)
Me: Yeah. that's right, I dropped the O-bomb.
I win.
Dave: I think I'll run 10 km tomorrow
Me: Isn't that like 10 times around the park?
Dave: More like five, but whatever. Maybe I'll start with 2.5 and see what happens.
Me: OK, but don't forget that we tee-off at 12:12 and I don't want to leave only at 12:00 'cause you're running.
Dave: Ben non! Of course not!
Me: Yeah but we're often late because of you!
Dave: WHAT!?!?!? Did you just say "often"!?!?!? (like it's a lie or something)
Me: Yeah. that's right, I dropped the O-bomb.
I win.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Keeping Even With The Neighbours, Part 1
I’ve always had this nasty habit of trying to do nice things for people. I like helping my friends move, clean, and then move again; helping to paint their houses, apartments, cars, whatever. So when our French neighbours (from France) move in across the street the first thing I did was to bring them a “welcome basket” with vegetables from my garden. This was the first mistake. Since then it’s been a back-and-forth of friendly good deeds that are never ending and seems to have gotten a lot worse in the past month. Let me explain…
August 5th they invite us over for dinner. Since our kids are teenagers and therefore we can sleep in on the weekends, we completely forgot that their two children (aged 2-1/2 and 6) wake up at 6:30 in the morning. Without thinking, the four of us (me, my Dave, and the two neighbours) stayed up until 3:00am drinking bottle after bottle of red wine and plotting how to take over the internet with “Walk-the-Paedia” (our own version of Wikipedia, which is better than Wikipedia for reasons I can no longer recall). Obviously, Dave and I felt terrible the next day. Terrible in that we were hungover, but worse that we knew they were up early with the young children while we slept. So, we devised a super-fantastical-good-deed-plan that would even things up. We decided to watch their kids for a night while they ventured out into the city for dinner and sight-seeing. This worked out well because the weekend we offered this to them was the weekend I was watching my 2-1/2 year old niece and it would be a good opportunity for her to socialize with kids her own age. Anyway, so we take their kids and they go out and everything is evened out – they had us over for dinner, we watch their kids – even Steven, right? No.
Around 11:30pm they get back and we’re sitting on their back patio having a glass of wine (all the kids are asleep and have been for awhile), when I see the mister neighbour come through with a bag from Lush. I’m all “OMG, you guys have got to show me what you bought at Lush!!” Then he smiles and is all “well, it for you” and I’m thinking “WHAT!?!?! NO!!!!” but I accept the package gracefully and open it to find my most favourite Lush treasures. Again the French have one up on me. I mean, who goes out on their night off from the kids and buys the babysitter something? Common!
So, feeling indebted and not knowing how to repay that debt, nature came in to save the day! Two days ago Hurricane Irene swept through here leaving some houses flooded or without power, or both; and taking down a few trees along the way. The neighbour’s tree was split in three. It wasn’t a huge tree or anything like that but it definitely required a clean-up. Yesterday morning, as I was heading out to buy wine (not to drink right away!), I saw Ms. Neighbour attempting to cut down the remains of the stump and clean-up the debris all the while trying to keep an eye on her little scamps. This was my chance to make even! I asked if she needed a hand, she said okay, and within the next three hours we had the branches cut, piled and tied, the stump down to the ground, and the leaves raked for her compost-thing. Afterwards, while enjoying a beer in the backyard, she said “Thank you so much for your help, maybe I can…” “NO!” I interrupted, “There’s nothing I need! We’re even now so don’t mess that up!”
She laughed and said it’s not about being even. I don’t know what she meant by this because I’m a middle child and everything ALWAYS has to be even.
August 5th they invite us over for dinner. Since our kids are teenagers and therefore we can sleep in on the weekends, we completely forgot that their two children (aged 2-1/2 and 6) wake up at 6:30 in the morning. Without thinking, the four of us (me, my Dave, and the two neighbours) stayed up until 3:00am drinking bottle after bottle of red wine and plotting how to take over the internet with “Walk-the-Paedia” (our own version of Wikipedia, which is better than Wikipedia for reasons I can no longer recall). Obviously, Dave and I felt terrible the next day. Terrible in that we were hungover, but worse that we knew they were up early with the young children while we slept. So, we devised a super-fantastical-good-deed-plan that would even things up. We decided to watch their kids for a night while they ventured out into the city for dinner and sight-seeing. This worked out well because the weekend we offered this to them was the weekend I was watching my 2-1/2 year old niece and it would be a good opportunity for her to socialize with kids her own age. Anyway, so we take their kids and they go out and everything is evened out – they had us over for dinner, we watch their kids – even Steven, right? No.
Around 11:30pm they get back and we’re sitting on their back patio having a glass of wine (all the kids are asleep and have been for awhile), when I see the mister neighbour come through with a bag from Lush. I’m all “OMG, you guys have got to show me what you bought at Lush!!” Then he smiles and is all “well, it for you” and I’m thinking “WHAT!?!?! NO!!!!” but I accept the package gracefully and open it to find my most favourite Lush treasures. Again the French have one up on me. I mean, who goes out on their night off from the kids and buys the babysitter something? Common!
So, feeling indebted and not knowing how to repay that debt, nature came in to save the day! Two days ago Hurricane Irene swept through here leaving some houses flooded or without power, or both; and taking down a few trees along the way. The neighbour’s tree was split in three. It wasn’t a huge tree or anything like that but it definitely required a clean-up. Yesterday morning, as I was heading out to buy wine (not to drink right away!), I saw Ms. Neighbour attempting to cut down the remains of the stump and clean-up the debris all the while trying to keep an eye on her little scamps. This was my chance to make even! I asked if she needed a hand, she said okay, and within the next three hours we had the branches cut, piled and tied, the stump down to the ground, and the leaves raked for her compost-thing. Afterwards, while enjoying a beer in the backyard, she said “Thank you so much for your help, maybe I can…” “NO!” I interrupted, “There’s nothing I need! We’re even now so don’t mess that up!”
She laughed and said it’s not about being even. I don’t know what she meant by this because I’m a middle child and everything ALWAYS has to be even.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Can Someone Please Clean the Chalet!?!?!?!
Both of my step-kids have jobs and I am proud of them both for being so darn grown-up and responsible. On the other hand, apparently having a job means they no longer need to do anything around the house. Taking their plate off of the counter and putting it in the dishwasher (right under the counter) is an impossibility. Removing their clothes from the floor and placing them in the hamper (right above the floor) is unfathomable.
Dropping their bikes and knocking over the bag of soccer balls and Golf balls - scattering everything all of the floor in the chalet* - totally acceptable apparently.
*the chalet is our storage room but we call it the "chalet" cause we're freaking fancy like that!
So yesterday, as these two highly capable yet completely lazy boy sat in the kitchen, having just woken up at noon, I braced myself to ask a dangerous question...
Me: Um, so... if you guys have nothing to do today you could clean the chalet.
Edz: I work today
Me: It's only 1:00pm! You work at 4:00!
Damien: I'm going swimming.
Disgruntled, I thought to myself "okay, what was my mistake here?" I realized quickly that the mistake was asking them and only suggesting it as an option. The most effective way was to probably say: "So, you're both cleaning the chalet today. pleaseandthankyou!" and walk away before they could respond.
Instead, this was my response:
Me: Okay... I see how it is... So the next time you need something I'm going swimming.
NOT an effective response as it yeilded confused looks from the both of them - we don't have a pool and I will not swim in the public pool - but I think I got my point across, right? RIGHT!?!!?
Dropping their bikes and knocking over the bag of soccer balls and Golf balls - scattering everything all of the floor in the chalet* - totally acceptable apparently.
*the chalet is our storage room but we call it the "chalet" cause we're freaking fancy like that!
So yesterday, as these two highly capable yet completely lazy boy sat in the kitchen, having just woken up at noon, I braced myself to ask a dangerous question...
Me: Um, so... if you guys have nothing to do today you could clean the chalet.
Edz: I work today
Me: It's only 1:00pm! You work at 4:00!
Damien: I'm going swimming.
Disgruntled, I thought to myself "okay, what was my mistake here?" I realized quickly that the mistake was asking them and only suggesting it as an option. The most effective way was to probably say: "So, you're both cleaning the chalet today. pleaseandthankyou!" and walk away before they could respond.
Instead, this was my response:
Me: Okay... I see how it is... So the next time you need something I'm going swimming.
NOT an effective response as it yeilded confused looks from the both of them - we don't have a pool and I will not swim in the public pool - but I think I got my point across, right? RIGHT!?!!?
Monday, June 27, 2011
Soccer Shocker Part 1
I have not posted anything in some time. It’s not my fault, blame the local soccer league, they’ve been sucking all of my sarcasm and bitchiness out of me. Finally, though, things are back to normal in the league and now I can rant about the long, drawn-out, journey this coaching season has been thus far.
It all started when I was contacted to coach the fourth team in the U18 category. The teams had already been picked and I was given the scraps, save for my step-son and the two sons of my assistant coach. Right away I knew the teams were not balanced. I immediately contacted the VP Local who told me that I was wrong and that the teams were balanced; in fact, he was the one who picked my team and the other coaches were the ones who evaluated the players. He also told me that the teams were distributed at random. I said fine, but that I knew something needed to change, and that I would call him again once the season started.
First game: we lost 5-3 against team 3 who was essentially the second weakest team. Also, I had players there who were on another team but, for whatever reason could not find their coach that day or were never called by a coach. These were two good players. I decided to email the coach and ask if I could hold on to these players. His response what something like “no way, my team lost 8-3 and I picked that player in the first round”. Interesting, I thought the teams were picked at random…
Second game: we lost 7-2 against team 2 (the team whose coach responded the above to me). Things are starting to fall apart. I contact Mr. VP Local who begins the conversation with “You have to understand that, as a woman surrounded by men, it’s normal that they don’t take you seriously”. Nice! I didn’t know that we were living in 1930 where women were second class citizens! I guess all that bra-burning of the 60’s was a complete waste. Too bad…
to be continued...
It all started when I was contacted to coach the fourth team in the U18 category. The teams had already been picked and I was given the scraps, save for my step-son and the two sons of my assistant coach. Right away I knew the teams were not balanced. I immediately contacted the VP Local who told me that I was wrong and that the teams were balanced; in fact, he was the one who picked my team and the other coaches were the ones who evaluated the players. He also told me that the teams were distributed at random. I said fine, but that I knew something needed to change, and that I would call him again once the season started.
First game: we lost 5-3 against team 3 who was essentially the second weakest team. Also, I had players there who were on another team but, for whatever reason could not find their coach that day or were never called by a coach. These were two good players. I decided to email the coach and ask if I could hold on to these players. His response what something like “no way, my team lost 8-3 and I picked that player in the first round”. Interesting, I thought the teams were picked at random…
Second game: we lost 7-2 against team 2 (the team whose coach responded the above to me). Things are starting to fall apart. I contact Mr. VP Local who begins the conversation with “You have to understand that, as a woman surrounded by men, it’s normal that they don’t take you seriously”. Nice! I didn’t know that we were living in 1930 where women were second class citizens! I guess all that bra-burning of the 60’s was a complete waste. Too bad…
to be continued...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Cliff Notes version of Doctor Strangelove
I’ve been told that one of my posts (Doctor Strangelove: Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pollution) is too long for people to read. Apparently blogging is like journalism: people need to be able to finish the article while on the toilet. Okay, fine by me. Here’s a “cliff notes” version of that post for all you toilet-time readers. Enjoy!
1. Aldo Leopold: An American author who was also an ecologist. He wrote the book A Sand Country Almanac in which one chapter describes him cutting through a tree and thus through the history of public policy’s influence on nature.
2. The Biblical Perspective: Three elements: a) dominion of man over nature, b) the right to toil the earth, and c) the earth as a mere stepping stone to a better world. Man’s dominion over nature entitles use to do what we please to, and with, nature. This option implies that, as humans and God’s creation, we own the earth. The right the toil the earth follows this first option. It argues that since we own the earth we can dig up, cut down, and exploit anything having to do with it. The third element simply allows humans to take advantage of the earth, and destroy it, because it isn’t our “real” home. Apparently heaven is our real home and waits for us after we’ve destroyed our temporary house (this makes absolutely no sense to me).
3. Stewardship: requires humans to be responsible for the sustainable use of any natural resource, demands a spiritual relationship with the earth. The operative word here is “spiritual”, which according to many refers to our ability to communicate with nature. I ain’t no tree-hugging hippy, y’all, and I don’t think my cat hears me when I tell it to shut it gob.
4. Gaia Theory: Developed by James Lovelock; theory that demonstrates how the planet is a living breathing organism that responds to changes in the biosphere. I like this, it holds humans accountable for their actions in regards to the earth and explains a lot of the devastating natural disasters we experience.
5. Best solution: get rid of people. There are too mane people and they’re taking up space and resources. But, I’m told that mass genocide is illegal and immoral (whatever) so I guess we’ll just have to settle for Gaia Theory and wait for the earth to kill us rather than killing each other. It’s not as fun, but equally as efficient, I think.
If you are not a toilet reader (or spend a good portion of time on the toilet) and want to read the full version of this, just click on the link up there at the top and indulge yourself!
1. Aldo Leopold: An American author who was also an ecologist. He wrote the book A Sand Country Almanac in which one chapter describes him cutting through a tree and thus through the history of public policy’s influence on nature.
2. The Biblical Perspective: Three elements: a) dominion of man over nature, b) the right to toil the earth, and c) the earth as a mere stepping stone to a better world. Man’s dominion over nature entitles use to do what we please to, and with, nature. This option implies that, as humans and God’s creation, we own the earth. The right the toil the earth follows this first option. It argues that since we own the earth we can dig up, cut down, and exploit anything having to do with it. The third element simply allows humans to take advantage of the earth, and destroy it, because it isn’t our “real” home. Apparently heaven is our real home and waits for us after we’ve destroyed our temporary house (this makes absolutely no sense to me).
3. Stewardship: requires humans to be responsible for the sustainable use of any natural resource, demands a spiritual relationship with the earth. The operative word here is “spiritual”, which according to many refers to our ability to communicate with nature. I ain’t no tree-hugging hippy, y’all, and I don’t think my cat hears me when I tell it to shut it gob.
4. Gaia Theory: Developed by James Lovelock; theory that demonstrates how the planet is a living breathing organism that responds to changes in the biosphere. I like this, it holds humans accountable for their actions in regards to the earth and explains a lot of the devastating natural disasters we experience.
5. Best solution: get rid of people. There are too mane people and they’re taking up space and resources. But, I’m told that mass genocide is illegal and immoral (whatever) so I guess we’ll just have to settle for Gaia Theory and wait for the earth to kill us rather than killing each other. It’s not as fun, but equally as efficient, I think.
If you are not a toilet reader (or spend a good portion of time on the toilet) and want to read the full version of this, just click on the link up there at the top and indulge yourself!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Is it OK to solicit the talents of the best outfit creator I know??
There are two very important occassions coming up that I absolutely need new outfits for. Shoppig is usually something that I keep personal, never asking for help or opinions, probably because I either A) don't care what people think, or B) care too much about what they think. I'm actually not bad at styling myself, but in this case, I am out of ideas and out of touch with the current fashion trends.
So, I am soliciting a dear friend of mine (my bestie), the Polyvorina, for help:
Dear Polyvorina,
Please, please, help me create two sets of outfits that would look good on me and fit my style... you know what I like.
Sincerely,
The Procrastinating Student
So, I am soliciting a dear friend of mine (my bestie), the Polyvorina, for help:
Dear Polyvorina,
Please, please, help me create two sets of outfits that would look good on me and fit my style... you know what I like.
Sincerely,
The Procrastinating Student
Friday, May 27, 2011
How we knew that the end of the world "almost" happened
My darling boyfriend, Dave, was a total wreck during the days leading up to the end of the world. At work, he told colleagues that it did not matter whether or not the exchange rate was entered into their information system because it was all going to end on Saturday anyway. Of course, being the rational and reasonable man that he is, Dave immediately took this back and proclaimed that since God is a capitalist, it was extremely important to enter the exchange rates into the system, because God is a woman and thus remembers everything. His colleagues, not quite understanding his point, thought it best to listen to this strange man and his prophecies.
So, on Monday, after the end of the world was supposed to occur, these colleagues were upset that Dave lied to them and sent their worlds into a downward spiral of fear and attention to detail. In anger they demanded to know why the world did not end and what this blatant liar had to say for himself. With a sense of relief, Dave explained how the end came close...
You see, he began, I was playing Golf on Saturday and on the third to last hole is when it happened. I had been playing extremely well, as I always do. My drives were long and precise and everything was going well. Then, on the third to last hole I drove my ball into the woods.
Confused, his colleagues asked how this event had anything to do with the end of the world.
Well, after the game was over and we were getting ready to leave I looked at the clock. It was 6:30. I calculated in my head and realized that it was approximately 6:00 pm when I hit that drive into the woods on the third to last hole!! Right there, that was it. The end of the world had come close. I knew because it was the only shot that went haywire and it was obviously because God was about to destroy everything.
So this, you see, explains everything. Or it at least explains why I love my boyfriend. He's slightly crazy, but extremely rational in his thinking.
So, on Monday, after the end of the world was supposed to occur, these colleagues were upset that Dave lied to them and sent their worlds into a downward spiral of fear and attention to detail. In anger they demanded to know why the world did not end and what this blatant liar had to say for himself. With a sense of relief, Dave explained how the end came close...
You see, he began, I was playing Golf on Saturday and on the third to last hole is when it happened. I had been playing extremely well, as I always do. My drives were long and precise and everything was going well. Then, on the third to last hole I drove my ball into the woods.
Confused, his colleagues asked how this event had anything to do with the end of the world.
Well, after the game was over and we were getting ready to leave I looked at the clock. It was 6:30. I calculated in my head and realized that it was approximately 6:00 pm when I hit that drive into the woods on the third to last hole!! Right there, that was it. The end of the world had come close. I knew because it was the only shot that went haywire and it was obviously because God was about to destroy everything.
So this, you see, explains everything. Or it at least explains why I love my boyfriend. He's slightly crazy, but extremely rational in his thinking.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Conversation With a 16 Year Old
Context: I'm coaching soccer again this summer and my boyfriend's son is on my team. Because I'm so darn internet savvy I decided that all correspondence with these teens (aged 16-18) will be done through facebook. So, obviously this step-kid is now one of my facebook "friends"...
Damien: You know, it feels weird having you on my facebook, are you sure there isn't another way we can do this?
Me: No. I'm not calling 18 people every time I have something to say. Facebook is the only way because everyone has a facebook.
Dam: Not everyone.
Me: My mom has a facebook.
Dam: Okay, so everyone. But I don't want you to see all my stuff.
Me: Understandable. I've already blocked you from seeing everything except the Soccer group.
Dam:(slightly offended) Really? Hm... how did you do that?
Me: Um, it's called privacy setting. sheesh. I suggest you use them since your profile is 100% public and I've seen all your stupid pictures already anyway.
Dam: Good idea.
Me: Do you want me to show you how?
Dam: (offended again) No! I know how! (he's so smug)
20 minutes later...
Dam: Um, could you come help me?
Me: Sure (walk over to his computer) with what? (I look at the screen to see his facebook page open and then look at him to see confusion in his eyes)
Dam: So... how do I changed my privacy settings?
Teens are too funny sometimes, especially the one's who hate accepting defeat. Love him to death though!
Damien: You know, it feels weird having you on my facebook, are you sure there isn't another way we can do this?
Me: No. I'm not calling 18 people every time I have something to say. Facebook is the only way because everyone has a facebook.
Dam: Not everyone.
Me: My mom has a facebook.
Dam: Okay, so everyone. But I don't want you to see all my stuff.
Me: Understandable. I've already blocked you from seeing everything except the Soccer group.
Dam:(slightly offended) Really? Hm... how did you do that?
Me: Um, it's called privacy setting. sheesh. I suggest you use them since your profile is 100% public and I've seen all your stupid pictures already anyway.
Dam: Good idea.
Me: Do you want me to show you how?
Dam: (offended again) No! I know how! (he's so smug)
20 minutes later...
Dam: Um, could you come help me?
Me: Sure (walk over to his computer) with what? (I look at the screen to see his facebook page open and then look at him to see confusion in his eyes)
Dam: So... how do I changed my privacy settings?
Teens are too funny sometimes, especially the one's who hate accepting defeat. Love him to death though!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Hockey Talk (Girl-style)
While watching Detroit play San Jose...
Me: I think the reason why I don't like Detroit is because of their uniforms, they're too red, it's agressive on the eyes.
Dave: Too red?
Me: Yes. I think if I were playing in the NHL I would choose the team I played for based on the colour of their uniform.
Dave: So what team would you play for?
Me: Hmm, definitely NOT the Flyers, they're too orange and orange looks terrible against my skin tone.
Dave: But I like the Flyers...
Me: The decision isn't based on what you like, Dave. It's about colours.
Dave: So, Boston?
Me: Yeah... Boston or Vancouver
Dave: You'd look good in Vancouver's colours, they're basically the same as you soccer uniform.
Me: Exactly. Green and blue are good.
Dave: You're crazy.
And that's the extent of my Hockey talk.
Me: I think the reason why I don't like Detroit is because of their uniforms, they're too red, it's agressive on the eyes.
Dave: Too red?
Me: Yes. I think if I were playing in the NHL I would choose the team I played for based on the colour of their uniform.
Dave: So what team would you play for?
Me: Hmm, definitely NOT the Flyers, they're too orange and orange looks terrible against my skin tone.
Dave: But I like the Flyers...
Me: The decision isn't based on what you like, Dave. It's about colours.
Dave: So, Boston?
Me: Yeah... Boston or Vancouver
Dave: You'd look good in Vancouver's colours, they're basically the same as you soccer uniform.
Me: Exactly. Green and blue are good.
Dave: You're crazy.
And that's the extent of my Hockey talk.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Doctor Strangelove, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pollution
Here's my answer to The Question:
As Aldo Leopold sawed through that lightning-stricken tree he cut through the history of the North American economical stages in relation to the environment beginning in the 1930s . The Great Depression saw many individuals and, specific to this story, farmers lose all that they worked for to financial debt. The 1920s saw an economical boom where everyone wanted more; more money, more land, more everything, up until 1929 when everything crashed. 1910 witnessed several public documents concerning the conservation of nature and practices implemented to benefit sport fishing. The narrative goes all the way back to 1865 which marks the culmination of the first and second Industrial Revolutions, a time where economies began to trade extensively with one another through the creation of steam ships and railroads. This was one small step for man, and one giant leap towards the environmental crisis we live today. What we have now is a globalized/capitalist economy, where businesses sell products and services for monetary gain, and exploiting the earth of its natural resources is the norm. What we also have on our hands, though many choose to ignore it, is an environmental crisis. The pollution that industries (countries) have pumped out into the atmosphere over the past three-hundred years is finally taking its toll on our beloved planet. James Lovelock introduces the “positive feedback” theory in his article “The Revenge of Gaia: Why the Earth is Fighting Back – and How We Can Save Humanity”. We will go into further discussion on Lovelocks ideas later on in this paper, but for now, the concept of positive feedback serves to explain the consequences of human action (or lack thereof) in dealing with the earth. Lovelock states that “all the systems known to affect climate are now in positive feedback” . This is to say that the earth’s natural response to the smut that humans have pumped into it is in full-throttle. For Lovelock, as well as other eminent scientists, the earth likes to be cool; so as we warm things up through daily “business” the earth is going to naturally regulate its temperature. As such, and at this very moment, the earth is trying to cool itself off, like a camel in the hot desert . As it does this certain creatures, that are not able to survive due to Darwin’s theory of natural selection, will perish. Guess who these creatures are.
The environmental crisis is an ever-growing concern for climatologists, biologists, activists, and the ecologically-aware individual. What we can do to stop, prevent, or delay the inevitable is at the center of the debate for ecologically sound practices. However, these groups make up only a small portion of the planet’s population and so taking action, especially political action, is easier said than done. Those who advocate for some form of action, be it political, spiritual or violent, base their conduct on the inherent belief in an interconnectedness between humans and nature. Several positions have been center stage in this ongoing debate between those who are for ecological change and those who oppose taking action which are entrenched in religious traditional beliefs. Appealing to the biblical perspective, stewardship, and different forms of activism have been tried and tested, and proven insufficient. This paper will address the reasons as to why these approaches do not work and suggest an alternative that more and more people are becoming attracted to. What separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom, our ability to reason, is perhaps the only thing that can help us in saving ourselves from the evil that is on the horizon.
The Biblical Perspective:
There are three elements to the Biblical perspective that should be addressed in the discussion about the environmental crisis. These elements are the dominion of man over nature, the right to toil the earth, and the earth as a mere stepping stone to a better world. The Bible describes a God who created man, in his image, to hold dominion over the earth . With this in mind, humans feel justified in exploiting nature for personal gain. Fishing the seas empty, killing animals to the point of their extinction, and logging trees with no regard for the damage it causes are just a few acts that humans participate in based on God’s decree that we are “above” the rest. Thomas Aquinas once said that all lower creatures existed to serve the higher creatures . Thus, according to the food chain, humans are at the top and everything else exists for our benefit. In the Biblical story of Adam and Eve, upon eating from the tree of knowledge, the couple are banished from the Garden of Eden and God tells Adam that he will have to work for his food from now on . Although this event is seen as a punishment for mankind for disobeying the Almighty, it serves as another point in the debate over the environment because in order to feed himself, Adam must toil the earth. This marks the beginning of Agriculture, and the beginning of the end for ethical farming practices. Michael Pollan states in his work, titled “Potato” that “it makes all the difference in (and to) the world if one conceives of a farm as a factory or a forest as a farm” . Agriculture has grown from a survival tool into an industry that cares little for the harmful effects that it imposes on nature all because we are in our right to dominate nature. The last, and perhaps most ludicrous, assumption that is tied in with the Biblical perspective is the notion of the sweet hereafter. Many individuals believe that the earth, as we experience it in our physical reality, is a mere stepping stone to a better world. The idea that upon death we move on to our “real home” allows us to treat this home with disrespect. This ties in with the notion of Apocalypticism. In relation to the environment, this conception maintains that the world is so unbelievably corrupt that there is no other option but for it to be destroyed. Thus, this position allows for humans to continue to pollute, excavate, and exploit the planet without regard for the consequences because it (nature) and we (humans) deserve to perish. This idea is not a valid option because it advocates for a no-responsibility attitude towards the earth and, ultimately, towards each other.
Stewardship:
Stewardship, which requires humans to be responsible for the sustainable use of any natural resource, demands a spiritual relationship with the earth. This is to say that humans are, and should be, connected with nature. The notion that humans can communicate with nature imposes a certain sense of sacredness on nature – something that humans disregarded centuries ago. We now live in a time where a growing number of people do not link religion with economical gain. Thus, to believe in Stewardship is a step backwards into a past that no longer exists. Stewardship is linked to the Biblical perspective because it requires a relationship with God and the assertion that nature, having been created by God, is inherently good and should be treated as one would treat God. One could argue that Primitive cultures are an example of how to be ecological sound because they provide us with an example of ethical practices with regards to the environment. Sure, this could work, if Primitive cultures were not so backwards in every other aspect of life. As mentioned earlier, we live in a capitalist world; everyone needs to make a buck. Primitive cultures are ecological sound because they cannot afford to be anything else, and once they can afford to grow economically speaking, all regard for the environment goes out the window. For example, China is probably the fastest growing economy at the moment. This is because they have finally entered into what the West refers to as an Industrial Revolution. The Industrial Revolution was an era which witnessed a sprint in the desire to make money by manufacturing goods. China is the largest manufacturer of goods now and a step in the direction of ecologically sound practices would hinder their growth and ability to compete in the globalized market. Countries that are already developed and thriving are able to look at China and shake their finger because they are rich enough to do so. Once you have money, you forget what you did to get it. Now the rich countries are looking to rectify the damage they’ve caused at the expense of an under-developed country’s growth.
Forms of Activism:
Activism or Eco-activism, in the context of this paper, is to take action in order to generate environmental change. Localism, Ecofeminism, and Violent Action, are all forms of Eco-activism that are geared towards environmental change and are worth discussing with regard to the religious dimension of ecologically viable practices. Localism is the practice of buying products locally to reduce trade. In Derek Wall’s “Small is Beautiful: Green Localism” it is explained that reducing trade will prevent economic growth and that this is good. Economic growth equals more pollution and “cheapens human existence” because “it is only what can be calculated, bought and sold that truly has worth” . This assertion is questionable. To assume that humans cannot appreciate something without it having cost money is to assume that humans are incapable of feeling at all. The common idea that humans only care about money has been at the root of the ecological crisis from the beginning. It is not the desire for money that is the problem; it is the managing of said money. Ecofeminism goes hand-in-hand with localism in that they believe money and power to be the problem, but goes further (not surprisingly) to assert that men are right there next to money and power. Ecofeminists appeal to ancient myths in religions to explain gender separation and subordination in economic growth and the environment. Rosemary R. Ruether writes in her article titled “Ecofeminism: The Challenge to Theology” that “law codes were developed to define these relations of power of dominant men over women, slaves, animals, and land as property” and that codes were handed down by “God/the gods” . So, according to this idea, the problem is now money, power, and men… or simply put, business. Violent Action is one of the methods by which humans defend nature from the evils of big business. This form of activism requires members of specific groups to take a physical stand in the name of the planet. Monkey-wrenching, living in trees and holding protests are just a few of the tactics that this form of activism uses. This need to battle big business is fuelled by the spiritual connection that these individuals feel in relation to nature. What these individuals do not realize, or chose to ignore, is the fact that their actions have the potential to harm nature and are counter productive since they use the products developed by big business to fight big business. If the spiritual connection between the activist and the environment was so great why would the activist harm nature in this two-fold manner? The response brings us back to the biblical element of it all; that humans are above nature and can manipulate it.
So, is it possible to address the environmental crisis, in a reasonable, viable fashion, without taking into account its religious dimensions? Absolutely! Not only is it possible, but it’s necessary. First of all, if we take the belief in God out of the picture the idea that humans hold dominion over the earth becomes null and void. If humans did not have God and the apocalyptic belief in the hereafter to use as the scapegoat we would have no choice but to respect the earth, the one and only earth that we have. The lack of respect for the planet is heavily based on the belief that it’s not our true home. Take that belief away and humans will be forced to be ecologically responsible for their actions. The spiritual component in the debate over being ecologically sound is a superficial one. It necessitates the notion of an interconnectedness between humans and nature that goes beyond reality. The idea that humans can communicate with nature (animals included) is a fantastical one because humans impose this act on nature; we communicate with it because we say we do. It also assumes a level of equality between humans and the earth, as though we are as good as it and vice versa. This is untrue. Humans, if anything, are below nature, subordinate to it, because we cannot communicate with it nor can we manipulate it without it eventually rebelling against us. Perhaps it is because of this subordinate position that we exploit all the resources that the earth has to offer.
The Alternatives:
There are two alternatives to the aforementioned options in finding an ecologically sound solution to the environmental crisis. The first is similar to the apocalyptic perspective in that it is a cop-out. It is the option to acknowledge and accept defeat; that we cannot fix the environment, it will fix itself. The earth is a living organism and we are simply a virus. We are a virus that grew from a relatively small population into a total pandemic of people. The earth is over populated; there are too many people. The formula for saving the planet then becomes simple: less people equals less physiological needs to satisfy which equals less damage to the earth. Alas, we cannot reduce the population by the percentage required to restore ecological sustainability because that would be immoral. In any case, the earth will fight the plague on its own. However, if we do not wish to be wiped out of existence, we need to come to terms with this reality and find a way to respect nature and coexist with it. The second alternative is Science. If we approach the problem from a logical point of view, and reasoning, we will see that there are some options available to us. As suggested earlier in this paper, James Lovelock approaches the environmental crisis from a scientist’s perspective. Lovelock began his research in the same way as many of us do, by reasoning. For Lovelock, all waste serves a purpose. He gives the example of urine. Humans urinate to rid the body of waste. The nitrogen found in urea. Lovelock discovered that the nitrogen that humans and animals excrete is a source of nutrients for the earth. This discovery led Lovelock to ask questions about the selfish-gene and its relationship to evolution and his ponderings eventually developed in a scientific theory: Gaia Theory; a theory that the planet responds to imbalances and rectifies the disparities on its own to stay cool . He states that “together, these thoughts led me to the hypothesis that living organisms regulate the climate and the chemistry of the atmosphere in their own interest” . Lovelock proved this theory through the use of Daisyworld, his simulation model of the earth, orbiting the sun, with various forms of life on it. He demonstrated that over the course of time, as the sun heated the earth, certain life forms changed, flourished, or died, all is response to the increasing heat and concluded that Gaia (Earth) was self regulating with the goal to “sustain habitability” . This is to say that the earth wants to remain habitable but maybe not habitable for humans. It all depends on how we go from here. Further to the notion of the selfish gene, Lovelock appeals to Darwin’s theory of natural selection whereby races will adopt genes that allow them to survive and those who do not obtain the gene are left behind. Lovelock suggests that humans, as a result of this natural process, are in the midst of destroying our own race. To explain provides us with a graph that shows at what temperature the planet becomes dead . The graph elucidates that as the planet heats up, though humans may no die right away, other elements will, which in turn will affect the “positive feedback” that was mentioned in the introduction to this paper.
So selfish we are:
We have come full-circle and are now back where we started: what can we do to save ourselves? And do we want to? Or should we? These are the questions that arise in light of the many paths we have to choose from in regards to the environmental crisis. If we stick with the primitive belief in the Biblical perspective, we do not need to change anything because we’re supposed to exploit the earth’s natural resources, and dominate over the animals and plants. Or we can choose the apocalyptic path and say we just don’t care because this earth is corrupt and there is another one waiting for us – our real home. Maybe stewardship is a good option since we are inherently connected with nature and we should engage in superficial communication with it to make ourselves feel better about what we have done, and continue to do, to damage it. Perhaps we all need to get involved in the political side of things as activists and try to influence public policy by damaging equipment and flying to Alaska to demonstrate our solidarity with the planet. Or maybe we should take a second and think about a few things in a logical and rational frame of mind. I grow a garden, not because I refuse to buy modified produce from a mono-cultured industry, I grow a garden because it tastes better and is practical for me. We should look at ourselves in the mirror and really consider what is practical. Good food is practical, reasonable prices are practical; continuing to exist on this planet is damn practical. As humans, we differ from other species because we have the ability to reason, and this is why certain elements of our culture have evolved, and will continue to evolve. Upon removing the religious dimensions from the debate on environmental sustainability, we are left with the scientific theory of cause and effect. How we use the earth will effect how long we can stay. The planet is heating up, fast, and it is important to try and cool it down without killing ourselves. For me, doing the little things, like having my own garden, composting, and not eating at McDonald’s are practical, and healthy. My logic tells me that McDonald’s is not only gross, but bad for the environment. My logic tells me that turning off the lights saves electricity. My logic tells me that the earth heating up is probably not a good thing. If logic can tell us this much, how come we choose to ignore logic when it comes to actually doing something for the good of the earth? Has the selfish gene made us completely oblivious to what we are doing? Do we care only about ourselves so much so that we’re willing to die in order the preserve self-interest? We need to wake up. Gaia has, and she’s pissed.
As Aldo Leopold sawed through that lightning-stricken tree he cut through the history of the North American economical stages in relation to the environment beginning in the 1930s . The Great Depression saw many individuals and, specific to this story, farmers lose all that they worked for to financial debt. The 1920s saw an economical boom where everyone wanted more; more money, more land, more everything, up until 1929 when everything crashed. 1910 witnessed several public documents concerning the conservation of nature and practices implemented to benefit sport fishing. The narrative goes all the way back to 1865 which marks the culmination of the first and second Industrial Revolutions, a time where economies began to trade extensively with one another through the creation of steam ships and railroads. This was one small step for man, and one giant leap towards the environmental crisis we live today. What we have now is a globalized/capitalist economy, where businesses sell products and services for monetary gain, and exploiting the earth of its natural resources is the norm. What we also have on our hands, though many choose to ignore it, is an environmental crisis. The pollution that industries (countries) have pumped out into the atmosphere over the past three-hundred years is finally taking its toll on our beloved planet. James Lovelock introduces the “positive feedback” theory in his article “The Revenge of Gaia: Why the Earth is Fighting Back – and How We Can Save Humanity”. We will go into further discussion on Lovelocks ideas later on in this paper, but for now, the concept of positive feedback serves to explain the consequences of human action (or lack thereof) in dealing with the earth. Lovelock states that “all the systems known to affect climate are now in positive feedback” . This is to say that the earth’s natural response to the smut that humans have pumped into it is in full-throttle. For Lovelock, as well as other eminent scientists, the earth likes to be cool; so as we warm things up through daily “business” the earth is going to naturally regulate its temperature. As such, and at this very moment, the earth is trying to cool itself off, like a camel in the hot desert . As it does this certain creatures, that are not able to survive due to Darwin’s theory of natural selection, will perish. Guess who these creatures are.
The environmental crisis is an ever-growing concern for climatologists, biologists, activists, and the ecologically-aware individual. What we can do to stop, prevent, or delay the inevitable is at the center of the debate for ecologically sound practices. However, these groups make up only a small portion of the planet’s population and so taking action, especially political action, is easier said than done. Those who advocate for some form of action, be it political, spiritual or violent, base their conduct on the inherent belief in an interconnectedness between humans and nature. Several positions have been center stage in this ongoing debate between those who are for ecological change and those who oppose taking action which are entrenched in religious traditional beliefs. Appealing to the biblical perspective, stewardship, and different forms of activism have been tried and tested, and proven insufficient. This paper will address the reasons as to why these approaches do not work and suggest an alternative that more and more people are becoming attracted to. What separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom, our ability to reason, is perhaps the only thing that can help us in saving ourselves from the evil that is on the horizon.
The Biblical Perspective:
There are three elements to the Biblical perspective that should be addressed in the discussion about the environmental crisis. These elements are the dominion of man over nature, the right to toil the earth, and the earth as a mere stepping stone to a better world. The Bible describes a God who created man, in his image, to hold dominion over the earth . With this in mind, humans feel justified in exploiting nature for personal gain. Fishing the seas empty, killing animals to the point of their extinction, and logging trees with no regard for the damage it causes are just a few acts that humans participate in based on God’s decree that we are “above” the rest. Thomas Aquinas once said that all lower creatures existed to serve the higher creatures . Thus, according to the food chain, humans are at the top and everything else exists for our benefit. In the Biblical story of Adam and Eve, upon eating from the tree of knowledge, the couple are banished from the Garden of Eden and God tells Adam that he will have to work for his food from now on . Although this event is seen as a punishment for mankind for disobeying the Almighty, it serves as another point in the debate over the environment because in order to feed himself, Adam must toil the earth. This marks the beginning of Agriculture, and the beginning of the end for ethical farming practices. Michael Pollan states in his work, titled “Potato” that “it makes all the difference in (and to) the world if one conceives of a farm as a factory or a forest as a farm” . Agriculture has grown from a survival tool into an industry that cares little for the harmful effects that it imposes on nature all because we are in our right to dominate nature. The last, and perhaps most ludicrous, assumption that is tied in with the Biblical perspective is the notion of the sweet hereafter. Many individuals believe that the earth, as we experience it in our physical reality, is a mere stepping stone to a better world. The idea that upon death we move on to our “real home” allows us to treat this home with disrespect. This ties in with the notion of Apocalypticism. In relation to the environment, this conception maintains that the world is so unbelievably corrupt that there is no other option but for it to be destroyed. Thus, this position allows for humans to continue to pollute, excavate, and exploit the planet without regard for the consequences because it (nature) and we (humans) deserve to perish. This idea is not a valid option because it advocates for a no-responsibility attitude towards the earth and, ultimately, towards each other.
Stewardship:
Stewardship, which requires humans to be responsible for the sustainable use of any natural resource, demands a spiritual relationship with the earth. This is to say that humans are, and should be, connected with nature. The notion that humans can communicate with nature imposes a certain sense of sacredness on nature – something that humans disregarded centuries ago. We now live in a time where a growing number of people do not link religion with economical gain. Thus, to believe in Stewardship is a step backwards into a past that no longer exists. Stewardship is linked to the Biblical perspective because it requires a relationship with God and the assertion that nature, having been created by God, is inherently good and should be treated as one would treat God. One could argue that Primitive cultures are an example of how to be ecological sound because they provide us with an example of ethical practices with regards to the environment. Sure, this could work, if Primitive cultures were not so backwards in every other aspect of life. As mentioned earlier, we live in a capitalist world; everyone needs to make a buck. Primitive cultures are ecological sound because they cannot afford to be anything else, and once they can afford to grow economically speaking, all regard for the environment goes out the window. For example, China is probably the fastest growing economy at the moment. This is because they have finally entered into what the West refers to as an Industrial Revolution. The Industrial Revolution was an era which witnessed a sprint in the desire to make money by manufacturing goods. China is the largest manufacturer of goods now and a step in the direction of ecologically sound practices would hinder their growth and ability to compete in the globalized market. Countries that are already developed and thriving are able to look at China and shake their finger because they are rich enough to do so. Once you have money, you forget what you did to get it. Now the rich countries are looking to rectify the damage they’ve caused at the expense of an under-developed country’s growth.
Forms of Activism:
Activism or Eco-activism, in the context of this paper, is to take action in order to generate environmental change. Localism, Ecofeminism, and Violent Action, are all forms of Eco-activism that are geared towards environmental change and are worth discussing with regard to the religious dimension of ecologically viable practices. Localism is the practice of buying products locally to reduce trade. In Derek Wall’s “Small is Beautiful: Green Localism” it is explained that reducing trade will prevent economic growth and that this is good. Economic growth equals more pollution and “cheapens human existence” because “it is only what can be calculated, bought and sold that truly has worth” . This assertion is questionable. To assume that humans cannot appreciate something without it having cost money is to assume that humans are incapable of feeling at all. The common idea that humans only care about money has been at the root of the ecological crisis from the beginning. It is not the desire for money that is the problem; it is the managing of said money. Ecofeminism goes hand-in-hand with localism in that they believe money and power to be the problem, but goes further (not surprisingly) to assert that men are right there next to money and power. Ecofeminists appeal to ancient myths in religions to explain gender separation and subordination in economic growth and the environment. Rosemary R. Ruether writes in her article titled “Ecofeminism: The Challenge to Theology” that “law codes were developed to define these relations of power of dominant men over women, slaves, animals, and land as property” and that codes were handed down by “God/the gods” . So, according to this idea, the problem is now money, power, and men… or simply put, business. Violent Action is one of the methods by which humans defend nature from the evils of big business. This form of activism requires members of specific groups to take a physical stand in the name of the planet. Monkey-wrenching, living in trees and holding protests are just a few of the tactics that this form of activism uses. This need to battle big business is fuelled by the spiritual connection that these individuals feel in relation to nature. What these individuals do not realize, or chose to ignore, is the fact that their actions have the potential to harm nature and are counter productive since they use the products developed by big business to fight big business. If the spiritual connection between the activist and the environment was so great why would the activist harm nature in this two-fold manner? The response brings us back to the biblical element of it all; that humans are above nature and can manipulate it.
So, is it possible to address the environmental crisis, in a reasonable, viable fashion, without taking into account its religious dimensions? Absolutely! Not only is it possible, but it’s necessary. First of all, if we take the belief in God out of the picture the idea that humans hold dominion over the earth becomes null and void. If humans did not have God and the apocalyptic belief in the hereafter to use as the scapegoat we would have no choice but to respect the earth, the one and only earth that we have. The lack of respect for the planet is heavily based on the belief that it’s not our true home. Take that belief away and humans will be forced to be ecologically responsible for their actions. The spiritual component in the debate over being ecologically sound is a superficial one. It necessitates the notion of an interconnectedness between humans and nature that goes beyond reality. The idea that humans can communicate with nature (animals included) is a fantastical one because humans impose this act on nature; we communicate with it because we say we do. It also assumes a level of equality between humans and the earth, as though we are as good as it and vice versa. This is untrue. Humans, if anything, are below nature, subordinate to it, because we cannot communicate with it nor can we manipulate it without it eventually rebelling against us. Perhaps it is because of this subordinate position that we exploit all the resources that the earth has to offer.
The Alternatives:
There are two alternatives to the aforementioned options in finding an ecologically sound solution to the environmental crisis. The first is similar to the apocalyptic perspective in that it is a cop-out. It is the option to acknowledge and accept defeat; that we cannot fix the environment, it will fix itself. The earth is a living organism and we are simply a virus. We are a virus that grew from a relatively small population into a total pandemic of people. The earth is over populated; there are too many people. The formula for saving the planet then becomes simple: less people equals less physiological needs to satisfy which equals less damage to the earth. Alas, we cannot reduce the population by the percentage required to restore ecological sustainability because that would be immoral. In any case, the earth will fight the plague on its own. However, if we do not wish to be wiped out of existence, we need to come to terms with this reality and find a way to respect nature and coexist with it. The second alternative is Science. If we approach the problem from a logical point of view, and reasoning, we will see that there are some options available to us. As suggested earlier in this paper, James Lovelock approaches the environmental crisis from a scientist’s perspective. Lovelock began his research in the same way as many of us do, by reasoning. For Lovelock, all waste serves a purpose. He gives the example of urine. Humans urinate to rid the body of waste. The nitrogen found in urea. Lovelock discovered that the nitrogen that humans and animals excrete is a source of nutrients for the earth. This discovery led Lovelock to ask questions about the selfish-gene and its relationship to evolution and his ponderings eventually developed in a scientific theory: Gaia Theory; a theory that the planet responds to imbalances and rectifies the disparities on its own to stay cool . He states that “together, these thoughts led me to the hypothesis that living organisms regulate the climate and the chemistry of the atmosphere in their own interest” . Lovelock proved this theory through the use of Daisyworld, his simulation model of the earth, orbiting the sun, with various forms of life on it. He demonstrated that over the course of time, as the sun heated the earth, certain life forms changed, flourished, or died, all is response to the increasing heat and concluded that Gaia (Earth) was self regulating with the goal to “sustain habitability” . This is to say that the earth wants to remain habitable but maybe not habitable for humans. It all depends on how we go from here. Further to the notion of the selfish gene, Lovelock appeals to Darwin’s theory of natural selection whereby races will adopt genes that allow them to survive and those who do not obtain the gene are left behind. Lovelock suggests that humans, as a result of this natural process, are in the midst of destroying our own race. To explain provides us with a graph that shows at what temperature the planet becomes dead . The graph elucidates that as the planet heats up, though humans may no die right away, other elements will, which in turn will affect the “positive feedback” that was mentioned in the introduction to this paper.
So selfish we are:
We have come full-circle and are now back where we started: what can we do to save ourselves? And do we want to? Or should we? These are the questions that arise in light of the many paths we have to choose from in regards to the environmental crisis. If we stick with the primitive belief in the Biblical perspective, we do not need to change anything because we’re supposed to exploit the earth’s natural resources, and dominate over the animals and plants. Or we can choose the apocalyptic path and say we just don’t care because this earth is corrupt and there is another one waiting for us – our real home. Maybe stewardship is a good option since we are inherently connected with nature and we should engage in superficial communication with it to make ourselves feel better about what we have done, and continue to do, to damage it. Perhaps we all need to get involved in the political side of things as activists and try to influence public policy by damaging equipment and flying to Alaska to demonstrate our solidarity with the planet. Or maybe we should take a second and think about a few things in a logical and rational frame of mind. I grow a garden, not because I refuse to buy modified produce from a mono-cultured industry, I grow a garden because it tastes better and is practical for me. We should look at ourselves in the mirror and really consider what is practical. Good food is practical, reasonable prices are practical; continuing to exist on this planet is damn practical. As humans, we differ from other species because we have the ability to reason, and this is why certain elements of our culture have evolved, and will continue to evolve. Upon removing the religious dimensions from the debate on environmental sustainability, we are left with the scientific theory of cause and effect. How we use the earth will effect how long we can stay. The planet is heating up, fast, and it is important to try and cool it down without killing ourselves. For me, doing the little things, like having my own garden, composting, and not eating at McDonald’s are practical, and healthy. My logic tells me that McDonald’s is not only gross, but bad for the environment. My logic tells me that turning off the lights saves electricity. My logic tells me that the earth heating up is probably not a good thing. If logic can tell us this much, how come we choose to ignore logic when it comes to actually doing something for the good of the earth? Has the selfish gene made us completely oblivious to what we are doing? Do we care only about ourselves so much so that we’re willing to die in order the preserve self-interest? We need to wake up. Gaia has, and she’s pissed.
Friday, May 6, 2011
I came across these while unpacking
So I just moved back into my boyfriend's house (by "just" I mean 2 weeks ago and am only now actually unpacking) and I came across something that my bestie gave me when I turned 25 (which I just recently celebrated the 2nd anniversary of):
Clearly I have the best bestie in the whole wide world.
Clearly I have the best bestie in the whole wide world.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
We May Need to Postpone Mother's Day this Year
An email to my dearest Mother:
Hi Mom,
I just wanted to let both you and [sister] know that I intend to come over Sunday for Mother's Day - providing that I'm feeling better by then - so think about things you need done around the house and that will be my gift to both of you.
If I'm not feeling better (I've been sick since Sunday) we'll have to put it off until the following weekend because I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy, let alone my family and my little niece - no one needs this kind of pain.
It all started with what I thought was food poisoning. We had ordered some St-Hubert last Saturday and so when I woke up with killer pain in my stomach on Sunday (and throwing up plenty) I blamed it on the chicken. I was practically bed-ridden for two days (oh, and I couldn't take a dump for that time either). Finally I felt well enough to put on real pants on Tuesday, I thought I had beaten the food poisoning monster! I was wrong, yesterday I was back to bed (or couch) unable to function normally. Then last night it was the diarrhea (I know, you don't need to know all this, but you're my mom and have no choice). It was more that I was pissing some white shit out of my ass... it's still going on today. I haven't been able to eat much (though the scale told me I haven't lost any weight), and my stomach is still upset.
I googled all sorts of symptoms and the internet told me I either have Alzheimer's, Ovarian Cancer, Inflammed Prostate, Autonomic Neuropathy, or an allergy to Milk... I don't really know what one it is but I'm leaning towards the inflammed prostate.
Anyway, that being said, we may need to post-pone Mother's Day this year.
Hi Mom,
I just wanted to let both you and [sister] know that I intend to come over Sunday for Mother's Day - providing that I'm feeling better by then - so think about things you need done around the house and that will be my gift to both of you.
If I'm not feeling better (I've been sick since Sunday) we'll have to put it off until the following weekend because I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy, let alone my family and my little niece - no one needs this kind of pain.
It all started with what I thought was food poisoning. We had ordered some St-Hubert last Saturday and so when I woke up with killer pain in my stomach on Sunday (and throwing up plenty) I blamed it on the chicken. I was practically bed-ridden for two days (oh, and I couldn't take a dump for that time either). Finally I felt well enough to put on real pants on Tuesday, I thought I had beaten the food poisoning monster! I was wrong, yesterday I was back to bed (or couch) unable to function normally. Then last night it was the diarrhea (I know, you don't need to know all this, but you're my mom and have no choice). It was more that I was pissing some white shit out of my ass... it's still going on today. I haven't been able to eat much (though the scale told me I haven't lost any weight), and my stomach is still upset.
I googled all sorts of symptoms and the internet told me I either have Alzheimer's, Ovarian Cancer, Inflammed Prostate, Autonomic Neuropathy, or an allergy to Milk... I don't really know what one it is but I'm leaning towards the inflammed prostate.
Anyway, that being said, we may need to post-pone Mother's Day this year.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Homer Simpson is Funnier than Me.
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer eats that messed-up fish and is told that he only has 24 hours to live? Well, last semester at school we had to write a response to that episode in one of my Religion courses...I know, what do the Simpson's have to do with religion? Well, read Mark Pinsky's "The Gospel According to the Simpsons" and you'll find that the Simpson's address religious issues all. of. the. time.
So, I’ve decided to take Pinsky’s advice and create a list of twelve things I would do if I only had 24 hours to live. I’ll call it The Bucket List. Here it is:
1. Don’t tell anyone I only have 24 hours to live
2. Make funeral arrangements
3. Play hockey with my step kids, even if I can’t skate and suck at the sport
4. Make a video for my niece explaining how lucky she is to have such a great family (i.e. my mother and sister)
5. Give my recipe box to my sister
6. Have a heart to heart with my brother. We haven’t gotten along in some time.
7. Say goodbye to my parents (they’re divorced so this should really count as two separate things)
8. Play one last game of soccer (it’s my passion)
9. Have a drink with my best friend
10. Go sliding with my boyfriend on the hill in back of his house
11. Make a nice dinner for the family
12. End the night with a bottle of wine, some rich cheeses, and my boyfriend.
I should say that as funny as I thought this was going to be, it took awhile, and now I don’t see the humour in it. I guess that’s why we leave the mockery to the Simpsons.
So, I’ve decided to take Pinsky’s advice and create a list of twelve things I would do if I only had 24 hours to live. I’ll call it The Bucket List. Here it is:
1. Don’t tell anyone I only have 24 hours to live
2. Make funeral arrangements
3. Play hockey with my step kids, even if I can’t skate and suck at the sport
4. Make a video for my niece explaining how lucky she is to have such a great family (i.e. my mother and sister)
5. Give my recipe box to my sister
6. Have a heart to heart with my brother. We haven’t gotten along in some time.
7. Say goodbye to my parents (they’re divorced so this should really count as two separate things)
8. Play one last game of soccer (it’s my passion)
9. Have a drink with my best friend
10. Go sliding with my boyfriend on the hill in back of his house
11. Make a nice dinner for the family
12. End the night with a bottle of wine, some rich cheeses, and my boyfriend.
I should say that as funny as I thought this was going to be, it took awhile, and now I don’t see the humour in it. I guess that’s why we leave the mockery to the Simpsons.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Speeding Trucks & Guns
After an Ashley’s Furniture truck sped by our house:
Me: It will be nice when we have the garage with the deck over it; we could get one of those air-soft guns on a tripod and just shoot at the speeding vehicles.
Dave: Yeah, but I think I’d prefer a pellet gun, they have different bullets.
Me: I know air-soft guns have those round bullets
Dave: Exactly, I want something more solid. I want to be able to break a window or dent a car now and then.
Me: Hm… I’m worried about you.
Me: It will be nice when we have the garage with the deck over it; we could get one of those air-soft guns on a tripod and just shoot at the speeding vehicles.
Dave: Yeah, but I think I’d prefer a pellet gun, they have different bullets.
Me: I know air-soft guns have those round bullets
Dave: Exactly, I want something more solid. I want to be able to break a window or dent a car now and then.
Me: Hm… I’m worried about you.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Question
I have a 12 page paper to write for this upcoming Friday. 12 pages isn't much when you know what you want to write about but, if you're like me, knowing what to write about is the one of the hardest parts about writing a goddamn 12 page paper. Anyway, here's the question that I need to answer in the paper:
Is it possible to address the environmental crisis, in a reasonable, viable fashion, without taking into account its religious dimensions?
"without taking into account its religious dimensions"... this is where my brain hits a brick wall.
The last thing I want to do is take the "ease route" which would be to argue that "no, it is not possible to address the environmental crisis without taking into account its religious dimensions". I want to argue that it is absolutely possible to address the environmental crisis without religion, or religious traits (i.e. spirituality). I want to argue that if we, as humans, forget about religion, we'll be able to say to the earth "okay earth, it's just you and me. Let's figure this shit out". Religion, to me, has done nothing but impede out ability to accept that the earth is a living breathing organism and it is greater than us.
The Biblical perspective suggests that human hold dominion over the earth. That we, as God's precious creations, are above all other living things and they exist solely to serve us. This perspective gives humans the right to exploit, kill, slaughter, and destroy the earth and all its living things to serve our own needs. So, erase God = erase shitty attitude. Huh, weird how our shitty attitude comes from the belief in something that supposed to be anything but shitty.
Spirituality plays a large role is environmentalism because people who advocate for the environment believe in interconnectedness between humans and nature. There is a belief that people can and do communicate with nature, animals included. Now, I talk to my cat, usually to tell it to shut-the-fuck-up because it meows incessantly, but is my cat hearing "Felix, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"?? probably not. And does he shut up? No. never... fuckin' cat. So, am I engaged in spiritual relationship with my cat, or am I just telling him to shut his trap? I vote for the latter. therefore, how is it possible for people to be "one" with nature? It's not. No matter what, even if we try to respect nature as we respect ourselves, we will always use nature. We have basic physiological needs that need to be met in order for us to survive: shelter, food, water. We use trees to build shelter, animals for food, and we love water so much that we're willing to pay $2.50 for a bottle of the next province/state's tap water because we think it's better than our own tap water. What gets me the most are the people who claim to be one with nature and truly truly respect it. Bullshit! What fibre is your sweater made out of? How did you get to the protest to defend the environment? What tools do you use to "create awareness"? None of us really care about the environment to the point where we would give up our standard of living. So, spirituality = superficial relationship with the planet.
What can we do then?...
Is it possible to address the environmental crisis, in a reasonable, viable fashion, without taking into account its religious dimensions?
"without taking into account its religious dimensions"... this is where my brain hits a brick wall.
The last thing I want to do is take the "ease route" which would be to argue that "no, it is not possible to address the environmental crisis without taking into account its religious dimensions". I want to argue that it is absolutely possible to address the environmental crisis without religion, or religious traits (i.e. spirituality). I want to argue that if we, as humans, forget about religion, we'll be able to say to the earth "okay earth, it's just you and me. Let's figure this shit out". Religion, to me, has done nothing but impede out ability to accept that the earth is a living breathing organism and it is greater than us.
The Biblical perspective suggests that human hold dominion over the earth. That we, as God's precious creations, are above all other living things and they exist solely to serve us. This perspective gives humans the right to exploit, kill, slaughter, and destroy the earth and all its living things to serve our own needs. So, erase God = erase shitty attitude. Huh, weird how our shitty attitude comes from the belief in something that supposed to be anything but shitty.
Spirituality plays a large role is environmentalism because people who advocate for the environment believe in interconnectedness between humans and nature. There is a belief that people can and do communicate with nature, animals included. Now, I talk to my cat, usually to tell it to shut-the-fuck-up because it meows incessantly, but is my cat hearing "Felix, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"?? probably not. And does he shut up? No. never... fuckin' cat. So, am I engaged in spiritual relationship with my cat, or am I just telling him to shut his trap? I vote for the latter. therefore, how is it possible for people to be "one" with nature? It's not. No matter what, even if we try to respect nature as we respect ourselves, we will always use nature. We have basic physiological needs that need to be met in order for us to survive: shelter, food, water. We use trees to build shelter, animals for food, and we love water so much that we're willing to pay $2.50 for a bottle of the next province/state's tap water because we think it's better than our own tap water. What gets me the most are the people who claim to be one with nature and truly truly respect it. Bullshit! What fibre is your sweater made out of? How did you get to the protest to defend the environment? What tools do you use to "create awareness"? None of us really care about the environment to the point where we would give up our standard of living. So, spirituality = superficial relationship with the planet.
What can we do then?...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Just your average conversation/observation
Last night, Dave and I were watching TV when he made an excellent observation about the new Neutrogena Wave.
Context:
The Neutrogena Wave is a face cleansing tool and is apparently super popular. Here's an image so you don't have to Google what I'm talking about:
And here's the super clever observation:
Dave: Isn't that just a vibrator?
Me: Yes, Dave. It's a vibrator that doubles as a face cleansing tool.
Anyone who knows Dave, even a little, knows exactly what he means.
Conversations like this are not rare in our home... unfortunately.
Context:
The Neutrogena Wave is a face cleansing tool and is apparently super popular. Here's an image so you don't have to Google what I'm talking about:
And here's the super clever observation:
Dave: Isn't that just a vibrator?
Me: Yes, Dave. It's a vibrator that doubles as a face cleansing tool.
Anyone who knows Dave, even a little, knows exactly what he means.
Conversations like this are not rare in our home... unfortunately.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
It's the most wonderful time of the year (if you like voting)
Anyone living in Canada knows that it is election season. I say "season" because it seems to happen on an annual basis, just like the four other seasons we experience in a year. This year I’ve decided to actually read up on all four political parties (the fifth – Green Party – is my cop-out option), find out what their platforms are, and make an educated and informed decision when I go to vote. I’ve decided to post my personal opinions of these contenders so that my fellow Canadians, who do not wish to do the research, can make an educated decision as well.
Before I get into the details though, I’d like to talk about why I vote. For me, it’s a duty and not a choice. I’ve been lucky enough to have been born in a country that seems to embrace democracy and I plan to fully participate in that democracy whenever I can, both on a federal and provincial level. It’s a right that I have been granted just by existing and I like it!
Now that that’s out of the way let’s get on with it shall we.
1. Stephen Harper
This guy is the current Prime Minister of the 5 year minority government we have here in good ol’ Canadia.
What he likes:
- Fighter jets. Who doesn’t like fighter jets? They’re cool and they fly and they shoot bombs and bullets and shit.
- Heterosexuals. He’s a big fan of heterosexual individuals, that’s OK.
- Babies. Who doesn’t like babies?
- Economy. He likes a thriving economy, and after the recent recession I do too!
What he doesn’t like:
- Homosexuals. I’m not really cool with this; I like gays and see nothing wrong with them getting married to other gays.
- Abortions. As a woman I find his position on this topic offensive. I think a woman has the right to do what she wants with her body. (This topic deserves a post of its own so I’ll save that for another day)
- Rich people paying tax. People keep telling me that Harper’s all about tax cuts for the rich. Well, I’m not rich so this doesn’t affect me.
2. Michael Ignatief
Leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, a party that I think has “fixed” all of the online quizzes that you can take to tell you who to vote for.
What he likes:
- Spending money. He’s all about spending. Spend spend spend spend spend.
- Health care: Something he wants to spend all sorts of money on. To me it’s an expenditure and not an investment. Like 85% of people who pass through the health care system are old and die. Why are we spending money on people who are going to die anyway?
What he doesn’t like:
- Anything that Harper likes.
3. Jack Layton(or who a friend of mine calls “E Jack U Layton”)
This guy’s a total fucking clown. He recently went through some health issues and I’m sympathetic towards them, but in general he’s a dork.
What he likes:
- Tanning. For someone who has recently battled cancer he has either spent a lot of time at the tanning salon, or he needs to fire his makeup artist… just saying.
-Pensions: One of his main concerns is how retired folk will survive. My mom’s already retired and she’s doing alright so I don’t care much for spending on pensions; again, not an investment but an expenditure
-People. He’s always going on about the people he spoke to in the shop and the guy on the bus and bla bla bla…
- Doctors and Nurses. He’s a big fan of getting more family doctors for people. I don’t have a family doctor and my sister told me it’s a 2 year waiting list just to get a gynaecologist… we could use more doctors.
- Attacking the other leaders. I’ve watched both debates, highlights included, and he seems to have a real knack for attacking the opposition without any real arguments to back up what he’s going off about.
What he doesn’t like:
- Competition. He’s constantly saying that Harper has obviously fallen subject to “Ottawa Culture” (Ottawa, by the way, is our nation’s capitol). He laughs at Ignatief for never having held office and brushes Gilles Duccep off like an unwanted house fly.
- Fighter jets. He’s 100% against buying fighter jets. Not cool.
4. Gilles Duccep
He only really has a presence in Quebec but he’s there (supposedly) for the good of the province. Whatever.
What he likes:
- Talking about Quebec. He starts off most of his argument with “government needs to stop interfering with Quebec”. I don’t really know what this means.
- Unions. Minus 2 points right there – I dislike unions.
What he doesn’t like:
- Anything that doesn’t revolve around Quebec.
And there you have it, people; these are our candidates for Prime Minister. I think they all suck but that Harper sucks the least. A lot of people would disagree with me but I don’t care, it’s my right to vote for whoever I want. *sticks out tongue and leaves room*
Before I get into the details though, I’d like to talk about why I vote. For me, it’s a duty and not a choice. I’ve been lucky enough to have been born in a country that seems to embrace democracy and I plan to fully participate in that democracy whenever I can, both on a federal and provincial level. It’s a right that I have been granted just by existing and I like it!
Now that that’s out of the way let’s get on with it shall we.
1. Stephen Harper
This guy is the current Prime Minister of the 5 year minority government we have here in good ol’ Canadia.
What he likes:
- Fighter jets. Who doesn’t like fighter jets? They’re cool and they fly and they shoot bombs and bullets and shit.
- Heterosexuals. He’s a big fan of heterosexual individuals, that’s OK.
- Babies. Who doesn’t like babies?
- Economy. He likes a thriving economy, and after the recent recession I do too!
What he doesn’t like:
- Homosexuals. I’m not really cool with this; I like gays and see nothing wrong with them getting married to other gays.
- Abortions. As a woman I find his position on this topic offensive. I think a woman has the right to do what she wants with her body. (This topic deserves a post of its own so I’ll save that for another day)
- Rich people paying tax. People keep telling me that Harper’s all about tax cuts for the rich. Well, I’m not rich so this doesn’t affect me.
2. Michael Ignatief
Leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, a party that I think has “fixed” all of the online quizzes that you can take to tell you who to vote for.
What he likes:
- Spending money. He’s all about spending. Spend spend spend spend spend.
- Health care: Something he wants to spend all sorts of money on. To me it’s an expenditure and not an investment. Like 85% of people who pass through the health care system are old and die. Why are we spending money on people who are going to die anyway?
What he doesn’t like:
- Anything that Harper likes.
3. Jack Layton(or who a friend of mine calls “E Jack U Layton”)
This guy’s a total fucking clown. He recently went through some health issues and I’m sympathetic towards them, but in general he’s a dork.
What he likes:
- Tanning. For someone who has recently battled cancer he has either spent a lot of time at the tanning salon, or he needs to fire his makeup artist… just saying.
-Pensions: One of his main concerns is how retired folk will survive. My mom’s already retired and she’s doing alright so I don’t care much for spending on pensions; again, not an investment but an expenditure
-People. He’s always going on about the people he spoke to in the shop and the guy on the bus and bla bla bla…
- Doctors and Nurses. He’s a big fan of getting more family doctors for people. I don’t have a family doctor and my sister told me it’s a 2 year waiting list just to get a gynaecologist… we could use more doctors.
- Attacking the other leaders. I’ve watched both debates, highlights included, and he seems to have a real knack for attacking the opposition without any real arguments to back up what he’s going off about.
What he doesn’t like:
- Competition. He’s constantly saying that Harper has obviously fallen subject to “Ottawa Culture” (Ottawa, by the way, is our nation’s capitol). He laughs at Ignatief for never having held office and brushes Gilles Duccep off like an unwanted house fly.
- Fighter jets. He’s 100% against buying fighter jets. Not cool.
4. Gilles Duccep
He only really has a presence in Quebec but he’s there (supposedly) for the good of the province. Whatever.
What he likes:
- Talking about Quebec. He starts off most of his argument with “government needs to stop interfering with Quebec”. I don’t really know what this means.
- Unions. Minus 2 points right there – I dislike unions.
What he doesn’t like:
- Anything that doesn’t revolve around Quebec.
And there you have it, people; these are our candidates for Prime Minister. I think they all suck but that Harper sucks the least. A lot of people would disagree with me but I don’t care, it’s my right to vote for whoever I want. *sticks out tongue and leaves room*
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Kind Stranger
I'm feeling anything but creative today, and have been for the past week or so – hence no blog posts. My studies won’t allow me to procrastinate and finding inspiration is difficult when you can’t surf the net aimlessly. I was thinking about writing about school but that’s been done on a few occasions and I’m bored of it. I’m bored of everything right now.
The only thing I’m looking forward to is baking a giant-sized cupcake this weekend to honour some very kind strangers who helped me reach, and surpass, my goal of accumulating 27 followers for my 27th birthday. I had given myself over a month to reach this goal (my Birthday is on April 25th) because not too many of my “real-life” friends are on Twitter, but regardless, the goal has been met and I should explain how.
My best friend sent me a message saying that I should “follow” one individual in particular for x reason. So I did. Then, this one follower followed me back and so I thanked him for being my 13th follower and told him about my plan. Then I logged off of Twitter to plough through some tedious and excruciating Greek exercises for school. Obviously, being the procrastinator that I am, I logged back on to Twitter about 10 minutes later. I had 29 followers. I tweeted “I think Twitter has a glitch…” then checked my “mentions” and saw that this individual had mentioned me in a post saying that he was the glitch. I scrolled down to find several “mentions” about me, one saying “I think she’s logged off, we’ll freak her out”. So, this one, very kind, stranger took the time to encourage others to follow me. I now have 39 followers, three of which I actually know in real life.
I had promised to bake an honorary cupcake for my 27th follower, but now I bake one for all of the people who helped me reach my goal including this kind stranger and my bestie.
I have been planning the giant cupcake in my head for a few days now and am really excited to bake it. I’ll be sure to take pictures of the process and the final product for my Cakes and Bakes page.
I know, this post is not funny at all, usually I at least giggle while I write my posts… obviously school is draining me. Hopefully I’ll be funnier by my next post.
Thanks for bearing with me.
P.S. I wrote this post in Word and now my internet is fucking with me, yet again. I hate this goddamn internet connection bullshit!
The only thing I’m looking forward to is baking a giant-sized cupcake this weekend to honour some very kind strangers who helped me reach, and surpass, my goal of accumulating 27 followers for my 27th birthday. I had given myself over a month to reach this goal (my Birthday is on April 25th) because not too many of my “real-life” friends are on Twitter, but regardless, the goal has been met and I should explain how.
My best friend sent me a message saying that I should “follow” one individual in particular for x reason. So I did. Then, this one follower followed me back and so I thanked him for being my 13th follower and told him about my plan. Then I logged off of Twitter to plough through some tedious and excruciating Greek exercises for school. Obviously, being the procrastinator that I am, I logged back on to Twitter about 10 minutes later. I had 29 followers. I tweeted “I think Twitter has a glitch…” then checked my “mentions” and saw that this individual had mentioned me in a post saying that he was the glitch. I scrolled down to find several “mentions” about me, one saying “I think she’s logged off, we’ll freak her out”. So, this one, very kind, stranger took the time to encourage others to follow me. I now have 39 followers, three of which I actually know in real life.
I had promised to bake an honorary cupcake for my 27th follower, but now I bake one for all of the people who helped me reach my goal including this kind stranger and my bestie.
I have been planning the giant cupcake in my head for a few days now and am really excited to bake it. I’ll be sure to take pictures of the process and the final product for my Cakes and Bakes page.
I know, this post is not funny at all, usually I at least giggle while I write my posts… obviously school is draining me. Hopefully I’ll be funnier by my next post.
Thanks for bearing with me.
P.S. I wrote this post in Word and now my internet is fucking with me, yet again. I hate this goddamn internet connection bullshit!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Shit I eat / My boyfriend's a mind-reader
So last night, instead of doing school work I decided to watch “Because I Said So”; a B-movie for sure but entertaining nonetheless. The movie is full of cakes and yummy-looking food so, not surprisingly, I got hungry. I decided to invent an horsd’oeuvre out of the things I could find in my kitchen. This is what I came up with:
It’s mozzarella cheese mushed onto a Tostitos chip with peanut butter. Sometimes I eat some messed up shit. This is definitely one of those times. But it was so amazingly delicious that I had to text my boyfriend about it. This is the conversation that ensued:
Me: Right now I’m eating motz [this is what we call mozzarella in our house] and peanut butter on Tostitos! AWESOME!
Me: [seconds later] they should add more peanut flavour to peanut butter.
Dave: Of course, you’re genius. Plus you smoked pot I presume.
Me: Pot has nothing to do with it! Peanut butter has lost all its peanuts!!!
Dave: That’s sad.
Me: It is sad! We need to reform the peanut butter industry. Let’s call Jiffy!!
Dave: Use Facebook.
Me: Good idea. In the meantime, you spread the good news!
Dave: Spread!
Me: (confused) Yes… spread.
Dave: That should be your Facebook call to arms… “Spread the news”.
Me: What?
Dave: Spread! As in “spreading your peanut butter”.
Me: Oh!!! LOL!! That’s pretty clever!
Dave: I have to go to sleep now…go write your spread blog.
I realized two things from this conversation: 1) My boyfriend is super clever, and 2) He can read minds. How else would he know that I was going to Blog about it? But now I wonder what else he knows? Does he know that I only do my dishes when he is over? Does he know that I wear pyjamas ALL the time when he’s not around? Dave, if you are a mind reader you will know that I posted all these things just to make sure you don’t have leverage over me. I’m onto you and your mind-reading tricks. You cannot be trusted and I’m watching you.
It’s mozzarella cheese mushed onto a Tostitos chip with peanut butter. Sometimes I eat some messed up shit. This is definitely one of those times. But it was so amazingly delicious that I had to text my boyfriend about it. This is the conversation that ensued:
Me: Right now I’m eating motz [this is what we call mozzarella in our house] and peanut butter on Tostitos! AWESOME!
Me: [seconds later] they should add more peanut flavour to peanut butter.
Dave: Of course, you’re genius. Plus you smoked pot I presume.
Me: Pot has nothing to do with it! Peanut butter has lost all its peanuts!!!
Dave: That’s sad.
Me: It is sad! We need to reform the peanut butter industry. Let’s call Jiffy!!
Dave: Use Facebook.
Me: Good idea. In the meantime, you spread the good news!
Dave: Spread!
Me: (confused) Yes… spread.
Dave: That should be your Facebook call to arms… “Spread the news”.
Me: What?
Dave: Spread! As in “spreading your peanut butter”.
Me: Oh!!! LOL!! That’s pretty clever!
Dave: I have to go to sleep now…go write your spread blog.
I realized two things from this conversation: 1) My boyfriend is super clever, and 2) He can read minds. How else would he know that I was going to Blog about it? But now I wonder what else he knows? Does he know that I only do my dishes when he is over? Does he know that I wear pyjamas ALL the time when he’s not around? Dave, if you are a mind reader you will know that I posted all these things just to make sure you don’t have leverage over me. I’m onto you and your mind-reading tricks. You cannot be trusted and I’m watching you.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
How to be a Prostitute Without Getting Paid
I love Facebook! In fact, I spend most of my procrastinating time on the good ol' Facebook. However, there are a few things that some people should know about FB before they use it.
1 - Secure your privacy settings. This is important because you don't want random creepers seeing your profile.
2 - Watch what you write. If you just broke up with your GF or BF don't post all your drama on FB, it looks bad and is just annoying for the people who see the ridiculous status updates
3 - Don't post topless pictures of yourself!!! I love the girls who do this, they are so damn shameless it's almost disgusting. No. In fact it is disgusting!! No one wants to see that shit, and more importantly, all the nude pics become the property of FB (and likely its advertisers). When you post revealing pics of yourself your basically being a Prostitute without getting paid. It's gross and will do nothing for your career as a prostitute.
Wake-the-fuck-up!
1 - Secure your privacy settings. This is important because you don't want random creepers seeing your profile.
2 - Watch what you write. If you just broke up with your GF or BF don't post all your drama on FB, it looks bad and is just annoying for the people who see the ridiculous status updates
3 - Don't post topless pictures of yourself!!! I love the girls who do this, they are so damn shameless it's almost disgusting. No. In fact it is disgusting!! No one wants to see that shit, and more importantly, all the nude pics become the property of FB (and likely its advertisers). When you post revealing pics of yourself your basically being a Prostitute without getting paid. It's gross and will do nothing for your career as a prostitute.
Wake-the-fuck-up!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
27 followers for my 27th Birthday
Initially, I was to write a post about how my political views don't really reflect my lifestyle but I'm waiting on a cartoon for that one (common Daryl Cagle from MSNBC!), so in the Meantime I'm going to write about "Operation: get 27 followers for my 27th birthday". It seems like a silly operation, I mean who cares about Twitter followers, right? Well, I do. My bestie asked me yesterday why am I so obsessed with the followers, here's our Facebook conversation:
Bestie: LOL! What is the obsession with the followers?! Though, I agree, our people need to get on there! Tweet-tweet... that's the sound of Facebook dying, guys... (*Hi Facebook administrators, please don't cancel my account or anything, I was joking! I LOVE YOU!)
Me: Personal goal, I'm not talented in the blogging area and can't create a video that will go viral so I'm working with what I've got, LOL!
Bestie: lol, I am 100% with you. :) FOLLOW US PEOPLE. ;)
So you see, everyone (yes, my bestie is EVERYONE) wants followers, and I'm just using the resources that are at my disposal to procure those followers. Nothing wrong with that, right?
Anyway, I have had some success because after tweeting about my desire I earned two new followers, bringing the tally up to 11!!! Not too bad for a few hours work. A fellow tweeter even went through the trouble of tweeting this on my behalf:
Lord_Sugar has not responded to this request as of yet so I upped the ante by saying that if he did follow me I'd bake him an honorary cupcake and post a picture of it for him. I plan to follow through on my side if you do the same, Mr. Lord_Sugar.
I'll update this post later when new developments arise.
--UPDATE--
So it looks like Lord_Sugar is too busy to answer my request at the moment. In light of this, I plan to bake whoever becomes my 27th follower an honourary cupcake... because I'm nice like that... and I really want to bake a huge cupcake!!
Bestie: LOL! What is the obsession with the followers?! Though, I agree, our people need to get on there! Tweet-tweet... that's the sound of Facebook dying, guys... (*Hi Facebook administrators, please don't cancel my account or anything, I was joking! I LOVE YOU!)
Me: Personal goal, I'm not talented in the blogging area and can't create a video that will go viral so I'm working with what I've got, LOL!
Bestie: lol, I am 100% with you. :) FOLLOW US PEOPLE. ;)
So you see, everyone (yes, my bestie is EVERYONE) wants followers, and I'm just using the resources that are at my disposal to procure those followers. Nothing wrong with that, right?
Anyway, I have had some success because after tweeting about my desire I earned two new followers, bringing the tally up to 11!!! Not too bad for a few hours work. A fellow tweeter even went through the trouble of tweeting this on my behalf:
Lord_Sugar has not responded to this request as of yet so I upped the ante by saying that if he did follow me I'd bake him an honorary cupcake and post a picture of it for him. I plan to follow through on my side if you do the same, Mr. Lord_Sugar.
I'll update this post later when new developments arise.
--UPDATE--
So it looks like Lord_Sugar is too busy to answer my request at the moment. In light of this, I plan to bake whoever becomes my 27th follower an honourary cupcake... because I'm nice like that... and I really want to bake a huge cupcake!!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What Fucks-My-Day-Up
As much as I try to put things off until later some things make this nearly impossible. I call them "the things that fuck-my-day-up".
The first, and most obvious, is school. Having to leave the comfort of my niche to venture out to the University is a good way to fuck-up my day. Most of courses this semester are boring, long, and tedious which makes motivating myself to go a strenuous task. When I do go I am subject to what I call "the newbies". Newbies are fresh meat. Students straight out of CEGEP (I live in Quebec) who have a lot to say about nothing. The ones who are actually intelligent are full of themselves and the ones who aren't think they are. Since I am an advocate for post-secondary education I am happy they they are in school, but I just wish they'd take the time to formulate their thoughts before they speak, and cut out the "um's", "like's", and "but's", because this fucks-up my day.
The second thing that really fucks-my-day-up is studying. All the time I can spend surfing the net is blocked by having to study. I'm taking this one course, Intro to Ancient Greek, that monopolizes a good portion of my time. It takes me over an hour to translate one goddamn passage!! Let's not forget that I also have a quiz every Monday that requires me to memorize copious amounts of grammatical forms and words. As a fan of procrastination, this simply will not do.
The final, and most irritating, thing that fucks up my day is my flimsy Internet connection! I'm a full-time student with rent and bills to pay (for an over-priced apartment with nothing included) so I steal the Internet connection from the school (yes, I live right next to my University and I still have trouble getting off my ass to go!). This is what the Internet connection icon should look like:
And this is what mine usually looks like:
or simply:
Which means I have no Internet access. It actually took me about 2 hours to get this post up because I had to battle with the Internet connection. This fucks-my-day-up!!!
______________
--UPDATE--
I forgot about this one, which means "yeah, you're connected, but don't try actually using the connection"...
...fucken internet...
The first, and most obvious, is school. Having to leave the comfort of my niche to venture out to the University is a good way to fuck-up my day. Most of courses this semester are boring, long, and tedious which makes motivating myself to go a strenuous task. When I do go I am subject to what I call "the newbies". Newbies are fresh meat. Students straight out of CEGEP (I live in Quebec) who have a lot to say about nothing. The ones who are actually intelligent are full of themselves and the ones who aren't think they are. Since I am an advocate for post-secondary education I am happy they they are in school, but I just wish they'd take the time to formulate their thoughts before they speak, and cut out the "um's", "like's", and "but's", because this fucks-up my day.
The second thing that really fucks-my-day-up is studying. All the time I can spend surfing the net is blocked by having to study. I'm taking this one course, Intro to Ancient Greek, that monopolizes a good portion of my time. It takes me over an hour to translate one goddamn passage!! Let's not forget that I also have a quiz every Monday that requires me to memorize copious amounts of grammatical forms and words. As a fan of procrastination, this simply will not do.
The final, and most irritating, thing that fucks up my day is my flimsy Internet connection! I'm a full-time student with rent and bills to pay (for an over-priced apartment with nothing included) so I steal the Internet connection from the school (yes, I live right next to my University and I still have trouble getting off my ass to go!). This is what the Internet connection icon should look like:
And this is what mine usually looks like:
or simply:
Which means I have no Internet access. It actually took me about 2 hours to get this post up because I had to battle with the Internet connection. This fucks-my-day-up!!!
______________
--UPDATE--
I forgot about this one, which means "yeah, you're connected, but don't try actually using the connection"...
...fucken internet...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I don't work at Best Buy
Every few days I have to get off my ass and go to class. Today is one of those days. I'm taking a course in New Religious Movements (or Cults). At first I thought it was going to be a really interesting class, I mean who wouldn't get excited over controversial religious movements!
I was wrong.
Although the material is interesting the professor is anything but. I can never-the-fuck hear what she's saying because she mumbles, and more importantly, her appearance frightens me. She looks like a hybrid of a witch, a hippie, and a warlock - all things that make me extremely uncomfortable. Looks aside, her mannerisms are odd as fuck. She's always braiding her hair and prancing around like a fairy on psychedelic drugs...
I think she suffers from acid flash-backs.
If I had one of those super-awesome HP TouchSmart laptops (like the dude sitting next to me) I'd swivel my screen around and draw you a picture of her, but alas I can't because, unlike the dude next to me, I don't work at Best Buy.
--UPDATE--
Dude next to me just told me I was gay for being on Twitter. Response: "You're gay for calling me gay". Moi 1 - Dude 0
I was wrong.
Although the material is interesting the professor is anything but. I can never-the-fuck hear what she's saying because she mumbles, and more importantly, her appearance frightens me. She looks like a hybrid of a witch, a hippie, and a warlock - all things that make me extremely uncomfortable. Looks aside, her mannerisms are odd as fuck. She's always braiding her hair and prancing around like a fairy on psychedelic drugs...
I think she suffers from acid flash-backs.
If I had one of those super-awesome HP TouchSmart laptops (like the dude sitting next to me) I'd swivel my screen around and draw you a picture of her, but alas I can't because, unlike the dude next to me, I don't work at Best Buy.
--UPDATE--
Dude next to me just told me I was gay for being on Twitter. Response: "You're gay for calling me gay". Moi 1 - Dude 0
The Best Job in the World of a Student
Being a student, money is tight. To help alleviate some of the financial strain I suffer from I’ve sucked it up and got a job. I did not want to do this, money forced me to. I’m lucky though because this job is saweet! I’m a Teaching Assistant for an online course at the University that I attend. It doesn’t pay extremely well, but it helps pay the bills. The best part of this job is that, because it’s online, I get to work from home, which is ideal for someone with my procrastinating abilities – having to get off my ass and go somewhere is NOT an option.
So, at this very moment, I’m logged in and my job is to answer the questions that students may have. I’ve been logged in for about 10 minutes now and, so far, no questions. Can you say “Best Freakin’ Job in the WORLD”!?!?!?! Oh, spoke too soon, an email just came it. BRB…
--UPDATE--
Email delt with! High-Five!
Okay, where was I? Oh yes, let's map out some reasons why this is the best job in the world of a student:
1. I'm in my pajamas right now. Student 1 - Employment World 0
2. It has not changed my daily routine; I often roll out of bed and straight onto my laptop. Student 2 - EW 0
3. It's online, which is where I am ALL OF THE TIME. Student 3 - EW 0
...
I'm sure there are plenty of other extremely good reasons as to why the job rules but that's all I can think of for now.
So, at this very moment, I’m logged in and my job is to answer the questions that students may have. I’ve been logged in for about 10 minutes now and, so far, no questions. Can you say “Best Freakin’ Job in the WORLD”!?!?!?! Oh, spoke too soon, an email just came it. BRB…
--UPDATE--
Email delt with! High-Five!
Okay, where was I? Oh yes, let's map out some reasons why this is the best job in the world of a student:
1. I'm in my pajamas right now. Student 1 - Employment World 0
2. It has not changed my daily routine; I often roll out of bed and straight onto my laptop. Student 2 - EW 0
3. It's online, which is where I am ALL OF THE TIME. Student 3 - EW 0
...
I'm sure there are plenty of other extremely good reasons as to why the job rules but that's all I can think of for now.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Pink on the Inside
Fuuuuck! I just realized that I haven't blogged since daylight savings time started, or ended, I'm not really sure how it works.
All I know is that my Blog has minimal entries and doesn't look nearly as cool as the other blogs that I follow. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't really have a specific interest to blog about. I mean, maybe I'm just not that creative, or maybe I don't have time - or I don't have time cause I'm too busy procrastinating. If there's anything I'm good at it's putting shit off until later.
For instance, I should be working on a 10 page research paper that's due next Tuesday, but instead I find myself randomly scrolling through all of Charlie Sheen's Tweets on the Twitter... and that's just one example of how I've wasted time today.
Anyway, that being said, I think I will update my Blog style-wise. Maybe change some colours because, although I'm pink on the inside, I don't need pink all over my laptop screen every time I look at my Blog.
So how do I make my Blog cool enough (esthetically and content-wise) for people to want to follow it?
All I know is that my Blog has minimal entries and doesn't look nearly as cool as the other blogs that I follow. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't really have a specific interest to blog about. I mean, maybe I'm just not that creative, or maybe I don't have time - or I don't have time cause I'm too busy procrastinating. If there's anything I'm good at it's putting shit off until later.
For instance, I should be working on a 10 page research paper that's due next Tuesday, but instead I find myself randomly scrolling through all of Charlie Sheen's Tweets on the Twitter... and that's just one example of how I've wasted time today.
Anyway, that being said, I think I will update my Blog style-wise. Maybe change some colours because, although I'm pink on the inside, I don't need pink all over my laptop screen every time I look at my Blog.
So how do I make my Blog cool enough (esthetically and content-wise) for people to want to follow it?
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